Staying Motivated to Stay Motivated

Sigh.

Before my knee surgery in February I had started slacking off on carefully monitoring my nutritional intake.   My knee was causing me increased discomfort which in turn led me to feel a bit down.  Basically, I realized that I, that is, my body was aging.

I turned 40 last year and felt pretty good about the whole thing.  No complaints.  But soon thereafter followed holidays, some difficult personal stuff and then to add insult to injury, my knee.  I told friends that my knee pain was my body's 40th birthday gift to me.

Eventually I started to internalize a sense of failure and frustration.  Not good for a personal trainer whose job it is to motivate others and set a golden example of fitness and wellness.

But there is comfort in the fact that I have created safety nets for myself.  My job, my work environment, my friends, my blog and my dietary/fitness changes.

Last year I felt that I was stuck - that I needed to get that ring off to feel that I was progressing.  There's no physical ring now but I do feel that something is binding me and keeping me from achieving my goal.  Is it fear?  Is it old habits?  Or is it something as simple as my undying love for chocolate?

The reality is that it is probably not just one thing but a whole mixture of stuff including stuff I don't even have control over such as genetics, social constructs of body image, personal history and the fact that the body is not programmed to be restrictive.  It is programmed to eat for survival.

But I'm not a cave woman.  And I'm not a weight-obsessed super-model.  I'm just me, wanting to live a healthy life not just for myself but for my daughter, my husband and my family.

Grr.  Can you feel my frustration?

The thing is, food and my weight served a purpose for me at some point in my life.  And I have not always "struggled" with my weight. As a teen, food helped with cope with stressful stuff.  In my 20's eating was social and fun - a distraction from studying and figuring out one's life purpose.  In my 30's I set up house and managed the stress of infertility, my spouse's health and my father's chronic illness.  But now, in my 40's things are settled.  I have Lucy, my husband is healthy and my father is no longer an immediate drain on my emotional resources.

But these patterns have existed for a long time.  It will take time to undo and change.  It's not easy but the rewards are worth it.

I feel better already.

So today I started logging my food...again.  It's a step in the right direction.

Because really, this is a life-long process and like any project, there are stumbling blocks.  But through the challenges comes deeper understanding and hopefully greater satisfaction in my accomplishments.

Be well.